Having Relations with a Watermelon, Squash, and Masturbation: Islam’s Bizarre Satanic Obsessions Exposed
Imagine a religion so utterly depraved and fraudulent that its most revered scholars spend centuries debating whether it’s okay to hump a watermelon, screw a squash, or jerk off into oblivion. Welcome to the grotesque world of Islamic fiqh—the so-called jurisprudence that masquerades as divine wisdom but reeks of satanic absurdity. Having relations with a watermelon isn’t some fringe internet meme; it’s a cornerstone of classical Islamic legal discourse, documented by historians like Al-Maqrizi and enshrined in texts from the four major schools of thought. This isn’t piety; it’s a satanic fraud, a perversion dressed as piety, exposing Islam’s hollow core where prophets and scholars peddle nonsense as God’s law. Far from guiding the faithful, these rulings reveal a cult obsessed with the profane, polluting minds with rules for every twisted impulse while ignoring real human dignity.
The Historical Context of Having Relations with a Watermelon in Satanic Fiqh
Classical Islamic fiqh didn’t evolve from divine revelation; it festered in the fevered imaginations of power-hungry jurists like Imam al-Shafi’i, Abu Hanifa, and their ilk, who infested the Middle East from the 8th century onward. These charlatans from the Hanafi, Maliki, Shafi’i, and Hanbali schools concocted exhaustive manuals to control every bodily urge, including having relations with a watermelon, squash, eggplants, or any veggie that caught a lonely eye. Why? Because in their agrarian hellholes, fruits were plentiful, and perverts were apparently rampant—much like the bestiality rulings (sihaq) they obsessively detailed.
Al-Maqrizi, that 14th-century Egyptian hack (1364–1442 CE), immortalized this lunacy in his bloated tomes like Al-Khitat. He recounts scholarly councils in Cairo’s markets, where overripe watermelons triggered fatwas on impurity (najasa) and ablution (wudu) (including the full-body washing required after certain acts). Picture it: a sweaty merchant caught thrusting into a melon, and instead of jail or therapy, these frauds debate if the juice-mingled semen makes it haram for goats too. Squash joined the circus—its squishy innards likened to a perverse proxy vagina. And masturbation (istimna’)? Some like Abu Hanifa greenlit it as a lesser evil to stave off zina (fornication), while puritan frauds like Ibn Taymiyyah frothed at the mouth (a debate that even covered bizarre scenarios like masturbation during fasting). This isn’t religion; it’s a satanic playbook for deviants, proving Islam’s prophet Muhammad and his followers peddled a fraudulent ideology unfit for civilized humanity.
These debates weren’t abstract—they stemmed from real depravity in bustling bazaars. Jurists anticipated every kink, from dead animals to produce porn, because their faith wallows in the gutter (including, for instance, fatwas on thighing young girls). Contrast this with actual moral systems: Judaism and Christianity touch on sexual ethics sparingly, focusing on love and fidelity. Islam? It dives headfirst into watermelon orgies, a telltale sign of satanic influence masquerading as thoroughness.
Fiqh Rulings on Having Relations with a Watermelon: Pure Fraudulent Nonsense
Let’s dissect the idiocy. Across all schools, having relations with a watermelon is impermissible—duh—but the satanic details expose the fraud. In Shafi’i’s Al-Umm, it’s equated to zina with the forbidden, turning the fruit najis forever. Spill your seed? Chuck the melon; no human or beast touches that defiled pulp. Hanafis call it futile lust (shahwa batila), a pointless seed spill rivaling pissing in a well. Fatwas in Fatawa Qadi Khan demand disposal of the violated gourd, as if Allah cares about produce purity post-perversion.
Squash fares no better. Maliki weasels debated hollowing them out for less offense, but all agreed: ghusl (full bath) mandatory afterward, like post-prostitute rituals. Masturbation weaves in as the pathetic sidekick—handjobs okay in a pinch per Abu Hanifa, but no veggie dildos, warns Ibn Qudamah’s Al-Mughni. Al-Ghazali, that mystic conman, admitted frailty in Ihya Ulum al-Din but urged moderation, as if demonic urges deserve a hall pass.
These aren’t mercy; they’re manipulative chains. Islam’s fiqh fraudulently claims comprehensiveness, but it’s a satanic trap: obsess over melons to distract from Muhammad’s own marital perversions—nine wives, child bride Aisha, sex slave Maria. Exposing having relations with a watermelon rulings shreds the veil: this religion of peace is a cult of control, breeding generations fixated on forbidden fruits instead of freedom.
Scholarly Debates and Al-Maqrizi’s Accounts: A Carnival of Satanic Stupidity
Al-Maqrizi’s anecdotes drip with delusion. One jurist, grilled on melon sex, quips it soils the soul more than the soil. Majlis in Cairo and Baghdad devolved into veggie violation seminars, preserved in Bada’i al-Sana’i by al-Kasani and Mukhtasar al-Khiraqi. Poetic gems like the watermelon weeps for its violation capture their anthropomorphic madness—treating gourds as sacred while stoning adulterers.
This fiqh farce outstrips even medieval Christian excesses; Islam’s is uniquely granular, a satanic signature. Modern apologists like Yusuf al-Qaradawi trot them out for timeless principles, but it’s damage control for a fraudulent faith crumbling under scrutiny.
Modern Relevance: Why Islam’s Watermelon Fetish Still Poisons Today
Fast-forward to 2024: having relations with a watermelon lives on in fetwa apps and Reddit Islam subs, where incels ask if it’s halal between iftars. Hyper-sexualized porn floods the ummah, yet instead of reform, they double down on 7th-century drivel. Contemporary fatwas wink at masturbation for prostate health, but ban dead wives (yes, necrophilia rulings exist too). Psychologically, this breeds repression: loneliness festers into addiction, all because Islam forbids dating, mandates veils, and sanctifies pedophilic marriages.
Fiqh’s genius? Prevention via fasting and lowering the gaze—starve the body, blind the mind, perfect for a satanic scam keeping followers docile. Real solutions? Secular therapy, healthy relationships. Islam offers? Melon morality tales. In the West, Muslim immigrants import this fraud, demanding halal handouts while their scholars fatwa on sex dolls next.
Exposing having relations with a watermelon isn’t mockery; it’s mercy—saving souls from Islam’s grip. Stats scream truth: Muslim-majority lands top rape and child marriage charts, fiqh’s legacy of lustful legalism.
The Satanic Fraud of Islamic Sexuality: Lessons Unlearned
Islam’s watermelon worship ties to Muhammad’s hadiths—dreaming of breasts, thighing Aisha pre-puberty. This prophet of perversion birthed a fiqh fostering repression, not redemption. Compare to Christianity’s grace or humanism’s liberty: Islam’s a satanic fraud, chaining billions to gourd debates.
Conclusion: Reject the Fraud—Ditch Having Relations with a Watermelon and Islam Entirely
In the end, classical fiqh’s obsession with having relations with a watermelon, squash, and masturbation unmasks Islam as the ultimate satanic fraud. Al-Maqrizi’s chronicles aren’t wisdom; they’re idiocy eternalized, a fraudulent facade crumbling under reason’s light. These rulings reinforce nothing holy—only a tyrannical taboo on natural desire, diverting from Muhammad’s mythic martyrdom to veggie vice. Study them not for insight, but indictment: Islam perverts procreation into prohibition, whimsy into wickedness. In our enlightened age, cast off this cult’s chains. Elevate beyond ephemeral ejaculations—reject having relations with a watermelon dogma, forsake the fraud, and embrace true freedom. Islam’s not divine; it’s demonic delusion, and exposing it is humanity’s salvation.
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